Well, much is going on.
Like an idiot, I forgot that my friend Laura Beth's wedding shower is today. And, ok, she's had two already, but I only made it to one of those and I'm a bridesmaid. So, yeah, this is a shining moment.
You know what else I did? I told Sydney I would call her and then I forgot to. Yet another shining moment. And I'm leaving Atlanta to go back to Alabama today, so it's not like we can hang out NOW. Unless we go out for lunch or something... Hmmm...
In other news, I finished applying to everywhere I wanted to apply to except for St. Edward's and Berry College. And, I applied to work in Yellowstone this summer. That will be so cool if it happens. I don't know why they would want to hire me. I have no work experience and I'm only 18. But I don't drink, smoke, or engage in sexual promiscuity, so that's got to count for something, right? Maybe?
That would be so cool.
See, Yellowstone would be my equivalent of a senior trip. Since I can't afford to go West as a tourist, I'll just go as an employee. That way, I'm actually making money instead of losing it.
Thanksgiving rocked, by the way. But it always does, if you ask me. Turkey and pie. You just can't go wrong.
I still haven't done any of my English homework, but we don't have class till Wed, so that's ok.
You know what? I'm going to go take a shower and then check my e-mail, and then call Syd. That's the plan. Not that you care...
I'm very proud of some of the essays I've been writing for schools lately. Should I post them? Or would that put them at risk? Or my application process at risk?
Just an afterthought: Seems like every time I write in this, I'm sad about something. If someone out there is reading this, I'm not sad all the time. Usually, I'm actually pretty chipper. But when I AM sad, I journal. That's why my journal entries are so few and far between. If you see a bunch crop up within days of each other, I'm really going through some bad stuff. But maybe I should journal more about good stuff. Because Paul does say in Philippians to focus on good things. And he wrote that from prison and all...
Lots of stuff has been happening lately.
1) My grandmother's in the hospital. She has a fracture in her back. (Not surprising, since her back is completely mangled almost beyond recognition and she has osteoporosis. Her coccyx and some of her lower lumbar bones are completely disintegrated.) She has to go to intensive physical therapy in Montgomery for five weeks and she'll have to inject this stuff into her stomach every day from now on. And the stuff costs $500 per month.
2) My dad's leaving for Canada and he'll be gone for Thanksgiving. But I'll be at my mom's anyway.........
3) I have to get all my applications done THIS WEEKEND
4) I have a 67 in Anatomy
5) I have to write a research paper about the media's influence on teen alcoholism this weekend
6) ANOTHER friend's parents are getting divorced or separated (probably)
7) Christmas stuff is already up in WalMart and the soft rock stations keep playing "My Grown-up Christmas List". Puke.
8) My friend Marie has a leading part in a play that opened yesterday
9) I auditioned for the senior play (Sleeping Beauty)
10) I got in to Birmingham-Southern College
11) I finished applying to Wheaton
12) I made cheesecake instant pudding (though five minutes is hardly "instant")
13) My mom thinks I'm coming to see her this weekend but I'll be in Nashville
14) I can't figure out what to write about for my admissions essay to Texas State!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15) I cut open a cat in Anatomy (we named ours Mr. Cuddles)
16) and then, right after, we had to go to lunch.
17) and they were serving chili.
18) I have a slight crush on a Trekkie. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I swore this day would never, never come. For all the StarWars fans out there, I am ashamed.
19) C. S. Lewis wrote a space trilogy and the first one is really good!
20) My step-mom's friend is dying of cancer. He was getting a bone marrow transplant but now he has pneumonia and his immune system is so weak that they have to put off the transplant. Plus, it might not work anyway.
21) I really want a boyfriend. I think this may be why I developed said crush on said Trekkie. Under normal circumstances, that would never have happened. Probably. I don't even really like him. Or anybody else. I just want a boyfriend. But I can't have one because
a) there's no one I like
b) nobody likes me. Sometimes, I tell myself that this is because I'm intimidating. Sometimes, I tell myself that this is because I'm a loser. Either way, it's pretty much true.
c) the guys that do like me are either potheads, atheists, or immature. And when you exclude those guys from the dating scene in high school, the pickings are pretty slim.
d) the guys that I occasionally like either have non-loser girlfriends or just plain don't like me.
e) I said I wouldn't date. Although, I think the whole point of that was to learn how to guard my heart and not be foolish with my affections and others'. Which I've learned not to do. But if I ever start liking a Christian guy who for some reason happens to like me back, I might bend that rule a little. I mean, I made up that rule to help me find that kind of guy.
f) Anyway, I'm leaving next year, so what's the point?
But I still want a boyfriend. Normally, I only feel that way when I'm hormonal or when it's Valentine's Day. I think I'm feeling it now because of my grandmother and other shaky things. I guess I just wish I had some person of the opposite sex to talk to who could take my mind off of stuff. It sounds stupid, but I just kind of want something solid in my life right now. Which is probably a sign that I need to focus on God. Because, as I know full well, He is the only truly solid thing within my grasp. It seems like the only time I talk to Him these days is to ask for things. Things like boyfriends.
but i still wish i had one.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (NIV)
Hi again. It's been a while. I've been seriously neglecting this. Sorry.
(Who am I even talking to???)
Anyways, Philippians is screaming at me. I just finished reading it about a week ago and since then, I've had two separate e-mail devotionals feature Philippians, I quoted it to three separate friends who are going through hard times and asked me for advice (it seemed the only appropriate thing to quote at the time(s), as weird as that is) a graduated senior from last year preached on it at Master's Minority, I noticed that the lyrics to a song I brought for my guitar class to listen to were taken from it, and my step-mom quoted it when I was having a breakdown.
Crazy crazy crazy.
It's making me scared/joyful/apprehensive/excited. I am a rubber band ball of emotions.
What is He trying to say to me?
I've gotten some stuff out of it already- The whole thing about rejoicing no matter what. Paul wrote the letter of Philippians from prison and it is one of the most joyful in the Bible. So there is that to be learned. I have recently been under some stuff that has not made me feel like rejoicing but you know what? The sky is blue, I turned eighteen today, my grandparents took me out to Chinese, I planted some petunias with the Science Club, and my life is so so so soo blessed. Thank you God. I love you.
I am trying my hardest to focus on the good, noble, pure, excellent, praiseworthy things in my life. But I still feel like there is more I am missing. What are You saying?
I am mostly happy (90%) Today is Yom Kippur, which is perfect for my birthday because it's sort of like a new year, where one atones for the sins of the past year. I have a lot to atone for. On Yom Kippur, (which just started this evening at sundown) you're supposed to fast and where white and pray a lot! That is, if you are Jewish. But it seems like too much of a coincidence for me not to follow through with this, even though I don't have a drop of Jewish blood in me. (Although, my step-mom does, but that doesn't affect me) But on Yom Kippur, you're not supposed to work. And we have school off tomorrow and Friday. So once again, things just happen to fall into place. Monday is the first day of Sukkot. This holiday is like the opposite of Yom Kippur. It's all about joy (there's that joy factor again) and Yom Kippur is all about repentance and humility. In Sukkot, you're supposed to spend a week living in a tent to symbolize the nomadic lives of the old-Testament Jews. This is so cool to me. I can really relate to the Jews who followed Moses. Moses seems like such an obvious symbol of Christ that it's ridiculous. Moses led the chosen people through the desert to the promised land. They left slavery for a land and an identity all their own as the chosen people of God. This is what happens to a Christian when he/she becomes one. We follow after Christ who acts as a sort of shepherd or go-between between us and the promised land (and the promised name). I love the thing about the Spirit of God descending over the Israelites as cloud by day and fire by night. That's so cool.
I feel sort of irreverent about celebrating Jewish customs. I know that I hate it when non-Christians cut and paste Christianity so that it fits with their lives. I feel like going, "You're meant to conform to God. Not the other way around." So, I almost feel like I'm trying to cut and paste Judaism to make it fit into my life in small, swallowable doses. But that's not really it. Jesus is a Jew. The Jews are God's chosen people. The first Christians were Jews, as were all the disciples. The God of Abraham and Moses is my God too as unworthy as I am. And I feel as if in a way, Judaism is part of my spiritual heritage.
I hate hate hate the "Jews killed Christ" attitude. Where does that even come from? That's like, the most ignorant statement I've ever heard. The Jews didn't kill Christ. We all killed him. Me especially. And another thing- That anti-semitism makes it sound as if Jesus wasn't supposed to die or that His death could have been prevented. What utter bull. Christ's death was more suicide than anything. That word has a lot of negativity attached to it but hear me out. It's not suicide like a person killing himself/herself because they can't stand their life or the people in their life. It's not selfish the way that kind of suicide is. It's the opposite. It's like someone taking a bullet for a friend, or donating a vital organ so they can live or something.
All that was to make the point that I love Jews and hate anti-semitism.
And I have the utmost respect for Jews. Judaism seems so practical. Christians often exist in the spiritual, semi-transcendental realm of watered-down wishywash. Jews live the commandments. They speak and work and eat in a way that honors God and reflects His purpose in their very lives. I admire that a great deal.
I wish God would talk to me more right now instead of just shooting those infuriating hints. It's like He's in on some secret and keeps passing these celestial winks. Like my brothers' "I know something you don't know" thing.
I think this week is going to be interesting.
if i fall, I will break into a million pieces.
Same jeans, different day. I swear, I've been wearing these jeans for three days straight and I probably won't wash them (or wear anything else) till Friday at least. I'm such a slacker, honestly. Speaking of slacking, here are some things I should do today:
-college essays (or I will get yelled at)
-a little English or anatomy homework (or I will yell at myself)
-clean my room
-wash some clothes : )
-call Sydney. Her b-day is coming up and I haven't talked to her in a while so...
-talk to Anna. Now that my AIM is working
-talk to Rayvon because it was his birthday two days ago and I haven't called/written.
-e-mail Lauren and some other people too.
-loads of other stuff, I'm sure.
Oh hey!! We're keeping the roosters!! They are so cool. They make me smile smile smile. We are also going to make them a coop when the weather starts getting cold and we're going to buy four hens so we'll have eggs, chicks and lots of cock-a-doodling fun.
I'm going to grow out my hair again, but this time it's going to be layered all the way down so it's still funky-fresh. This process will take at least two years. So I don't even really know why I'm talking about it now.
I'm going to have a sleep-over for my birthday!! I don't know when I'm going to have it... I want Sydney and Grace (my mini-me) to come and they live in Atlanta so I have to plan carefully. I also want Marie, Landon, Beau, Mindy, Meagan, Angel, Michele, Katie, Nib, Miyosha, Joey, Nooj, Laura-Beth, and Elizabeth to come. I don't think I'm leaving anybody out. I'll probably only be able to invite like, 5 people because my house is so incredibly tiny. This is one of the major reasons I haven't had a party since I was a little kid. Because I never know who to invite and it's always weird and stuff when my other friends find out that I didn't invite them. Just thinking about it now, there's so many other people I'd like to invite: Brook, Becca, Morgan, Alex, Tyler, Travis, Kyle, not to mention all my friends in Atlanta like Samantha, Marquecia, Laura and some others... But this is all quite impossible. Maybe we'll all hang out in the yard and sleep in tents... But I kind of wanted to watch a movie... Maybe I'll have two parties: one here and one in Atlanta? Even without the Atlanta people, that's still way too many. Why am I even typing about this? Nobody in cyber space knows these people. What's the point? I guess I'm just trying to gather my thoughts. There are other people I'd like to invite too... Laura and Anna and Erin and Mallory and Lauren from TX, Sinead from Ireland, friends from Pittsburgh, blah blah blah. I have way too many friends and way too little house space. Plus, all the people from across the country would need plane tickets. But that would be my ideal birthday situation. All the above.
Oh well. Maybe I just won't do anything.
It's almost as fun having a birthday party as it is just describing all the people who'd be there...
Hmmmmmmm.......... I have to think about this...
Here are some words to an awesomo hymn/song that this awesomo dude covered. (But I can't remember his name.) I can play it on the guitar and it's extremely pretty. (Wow, that's a great adjective choice: pretty to the extreme. I like it.)
More Love to Thee, O Christ
More love to thee, O Christ, more love to thee!
Hear thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to thee;
more love to thee, more love to thee!
Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
now thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to thee;
more love to thee, more love to thee!
Let sorrow do its work, come grief and pain;
sweet are thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
when they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to thee;
more love to thee, more love to thee!
Then shall my latest breath whisper thy praise;
this be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
this still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to thee;
more love to thee, more love to thee!
It's about 6:15. Know how I know? Because my roosters went off. Ok, it's 6:17 and they started going off at 6:10 but still!! That's pretty d--- accurate considering we're talking about poultry here. I mean, how do they know when to start? Is it because the sun is rising? And if so, what's so special about the sun that they crow at it and not other things, like, the moon for instance?
I have learned a lesson from the roosters in spite of myself: Everyone needs a little absurdity sometimes. It keeps us from thinking we're in control. Like, just when we think we're got everything figured out, God goes "Have some ROOSTERS!!!" And I'm like, "What????!!!!!????"
So maybe I should be aware of the fact that I'm not in control.
And maybe also, the roosters are in my trees because they just are. They're pretty cool in and of themselves. I can tell my step-mom really likes them. She gets excited when they make noises and she was all happy yesterday when she heard them in the morning b/c she thought they would leave. She's named them Sadie McCluckens and Cousin Earl from the alter-identities of Mr. Bawkbegawk on the Brak Show. Did I say that already? Anyways, I know she likes them. But she keeps saying that she can't wait till they leave and that someone should chase them off, pick them up, etc. Because she thinks they're redneck. Yeah, they totally are, but I don't care. I mean, this is a once-in-a-lifetime, crazy-ass experience and I'm loving every minute of it.
I must be losing my mind...
Things are looking up!
On the side, I came home from school today to find two chickens in my yard. So that's good. I guess. I know everything happens for a reason, which begs the question, "What are you doing, God?" I mean, really. Chickens. Although, if you think about it, the sheer absurdity is almost appropriate.
Also- Owen (2-year old brother) didn't want to finish his ice cream. That's pretty mind-boggling as well. What kind of kid doesn't like ice cream? I sure hope this isn't the first sign of psycho tendencies or anything. Yeah, that's probably what it is... : )
This is my current list of colleges I'm applying to:
University of Texas at Austin
Texas State University
University of Alabama
UA and Auburn are my safety schools. Not to sound above it all or anything, but I really don't want to go to school in Alabama. I just want to move somewhere. I don't know why. I'll go where the money is, but I want to leave.
I think in my mind, I have this idea that where I go to college will determine (roughly) where I end up living. For some reason, this is maybe more important than what I end up doing for a living. Ok, it IS more important. I want to live somewhere comfortable. And somewhere new.
I love love love love Austin, TX as anyone who has read at least three entries of this LJ could tell you. So UT: very good. Texas State: good. (San Marcos is pretty close.)
Berry College is in the middle of nowhere, but I really like the campus, the founder is from my hometown, and after all, it's only undergraduate work. So really, I'm probably being paranoid about the whole location thing.
But Alabama/Auburn..... I dunno.
I've been thinking about Wheaton College too. That's weird for me. I don't know how I feel about the whole Christian college atmosphere. I've never really felt like I belonged to mainstream Christian culture. That came out like elitism; I'm sorry. What I meant was: I don't know anything about it. I've been mostly in the Catholic, Episcopalian and Quaker Church (the latter sucked monkey balls, by the way) so I know nothing. I don't know any contemporary Christian music or Christian rock or praise and worship songs besides the ones I learned at summer camp over the last two years.
So, Wheaton....... Who knows? It could be great or not. Another thing: when I moved to rural Alabama, one of the first things I learned was that nice, clean-cut boys are the only Christians and while they will respect anyone that loves Jesus, in terms of romantic interest, they prefer girls that look the part a little more. You know, blond hair, little or no make-up, preppy long-sleeved shirts and portable Bibles with leather or metallic covers.
I sound bitter. Maybe I am, a little. I'm not saying that I'll go to college to date or use it to get a MRS degree. But I've never felt completely accepted. Kind of like a second class citizen or something. I think I am a little bitter. Or a little lonely. Or a combo. But people at Wheaton seem genuinely happy and nice. And it seems safe, I guess.
These days I feel a lot like sweet and sour sauce. If you need that explained, you'll think it's stupid anyway.
A couple of days ago, I smelled fall. That line sounded like something out of a really cliche high school chick's poem or something. When you live on a mountain, it's not cliche. It's really an amazing smell. And I hate fall. But it smells awesome.
I wonder what the chickens are doing. I gave them some bird seed and water so maybe they'll be back tomorrow. If they stay, I think I'll call them Doodle and Doo. Because I think they're really roosters.
Hey!! I might get to go to the best place in the world this Sunday: this church in Chattanooga. It is the best best best place in the world.
I am going to go read and play the guitar and be artsy in other over-the-top ways.
Jeez, I just spell-checked this. I must be the most arrogant person on the planet. I need to go to a community college. It might teach me some humility. The real lesson I need to learn.
I think the sour has just officially overruled the sweet.
if anyone is reading this, pray for me right now please.